Emily* was a client of mine who was dating an amazing man named Michael. He had so much of what she was looking for in a partner, he was good looking, kind, successful and could have deep conversations. The only “problem” was that he didn’t come from the same cultural background that she did. He also didn’t match the picture of the life partner she’d always held for herself; in fact, he was the complete opposite.
She was dead set on having those two things in her love life, so she did everything she could to control what was happening with Michael. She questioned why he liked her and told him her family probably wouldn’t support her dating someone outside their culture, hoping he’d stop pursuing her.
Emily’s efforts to control the situation weren’t very successful, since Michael didn’t seem concerned about her family and chuckled when she doubted his continued interest in her. He kept pursuing Emily in an easy “no expectations” way and he said that things have a way of working themselves out.
As she wrestled with him not matching what she expected, surprisingly she kept seeing Michael because it felt really comfortable every time she was with him. She also felt seen and heard during their long conversations in ways that were different than the other men she had dated, and she wanted to experience more of that.
Staying The Course
Emily and I explored her feelings while she was seeing Michael. The more she worked on letting go of control and the expectations she had for herself, the more she was able to receive the powerful partnership that was waiting for her with him. They’ve now been married for 8 years.
As for her family, they welcomed him with open arms, even though he was very different than they were. They loved seeing how well he treated her and how happy she was around him. Emily and Michael still navigate the cultural differences they have, as expected, and they focus on the opportunity to celebrate what’s unique about each other. Overall, they don’t let those variances eclipse the love and commitment they share.
Had Emily stuck with her desire to control the situation (mostly fueled by fear), she would have missed the opportunity right in front of her. Control can easily interrupt the flow of dating and it’s one of the biggest blocks that get in the way for many women.
How It Works
When we’re able to control so much in our lives on a regular basis (for the most part), it’s hard to relinquish what feels like control in the dating process. Dating can be anxiety inducing and scary, which leads to a stronger desire to control the experience, so we feel like there’s less risk in getting hurt, being rejected, and feeling awkward in challenging moments.
Additionally control sets in when the dating experience isn’t going in the way we envisioned it. Like with Emily, because Michael didn’t fit the picture she had of the man she was going to marry, she set out to deter his efforts (even though she was enjoying time with him). This mental mismatch can often lead to gripping even tighter and making more concerted efforts to affect the outcome when it doesn’t match the story we had in our head.
Effects
Control is one of the biggest blocks to successful dating and often, we don’t know we’re doing it!
Living from a place of control can be so exhausting, especially for women. It puts us in our masculine energy a lot of the time and while we need both masculine and feminine energies in our daily life, when we’re trying to control and direct things most of the time, it can be depleting.
Additionally, even with its good intentions, trying to control things prevents you from being your full, present self. Often when I hear from clients that they can’t get a second date, I ask how relaxed they felt on the first date and if they were able to be themselves. When the desire for things to turn out a certain way is the focus, it impacts how we show up in any situation, especially dating.
Control is often connected to expectations too. When a woman shows up to a date with a specific agenda (“he better want marriage and kids, he should own a home and want to settle down”), so much of the free flow of human connection gets squelched and he can’t see her vibrant, carefree energy and relate to her authentically because instead, she’s on a mission.
It’s ok to be looking for certain similarities or things in common. It’s important we know who we’re dating and what they want, yet, letting the desire or demand for those things drive your first date overtly or covertly is a recipe for disconnection and wasted time.
Solutions
Being mindful of the effects of control is one of the first solutions.
Then, before you even sit down to look at a dating app, get on the phone with a guy you matched with, or go on a date, take a moment to consider the following:
- Tune into the inside. Attending to the body is the first step towards releasing and shifting control.
- Breathe in deeply through your nose and make sure you exhale through your mouth – long, slow and steady.
- This helps to calm the body so you can be more present. Whenever we’re aware of our bodies and present to it, we’re more in our feminine, which helps loosen the grip on control.
- Then do a body scan, starting at the top of your head and notice any areas of tightness or tension you might be feeling. Imagine sending relaxing breath to those places as you continue to be aware of your breathing, inviting those muscles to relax.
Other Solutions To Shift Away From Control:
- Before going on a date, set an intention to have fun, no matter what, trusting you’ll get the information you need to know what’s next for you ie: if you’d like to see him again to gather a clearer knowing if he’s a fit or if you’re clear he’s not a match. Putting pressure on yourself to “know” early on interrupts the flow in dating that I mentioned above.
- Stay focused on learning about him and being present, rather than going through your mental checklist.
- Celebrate what you’re bringing to the date as the amazing woman you are (I call these your superpowers)! We often forget about our own greatness as we go about daily living, so take a moment to remember who you are and what you’ll be bringing to him and his life if you continue seeing each other. We don’t celebrate ourselves enough so start doing it!
- Have compassion and understanding for yourself, remembering that trying to control things is just a way that your mind feels safe. The dating experience can be uncomfortable, fraught with potential landmines such as rejection, ghosting, and awkwardness.
If we focus on those things, we’ll only get more of them and we don’t want that! So it’s better to balance your thoughts with these solutions – stay in tune with your body, keep fun in mind and surrender to the process, knowing you’ll find who and what you’re looking for as divine timing aligns.
The more we release control, holding the dating experience and our desire for partnership with an open hand, the more likely we’ll “call in” what we’re looking for. Wishing you well in shifting the relationship you have with control so you can live with more freedom in dating and all areas of your life.
*Client name has been changed to protect confidentiality.
